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  • Satire by Lauren Rogers

Satire: Illustrated.

“22-Year-Old Confused She Didn’t Immediately Morph Into Meg Ryan

After Stepping Off Plane in NYC”

Recent college grad Elsie Hapsmyer was confused when she didn’t instantly transform into Meg Ryan circa 1989 upon arriving at Terminal C in LaGuardia yesterday morning.

“I did everything right,” Elsie noted. “After graduating from Dove’s Cry Conservatory, I saved up my money working 70 hours a week at Anthropologie and built up enough hutzpah to come out here on my own. Why wasn’t Harry Connick Jr. playing in the background when I landed?”

During the cab ride to the apartment, Elsie rolled down her window to enjoy an exhilarating moment as she crossed the Williamsburg Bridge and was hit in the face by a PBR can.

“I guess it was funny, but definitely not ‘You’ve Got Mail’ charming-funny.”

Elsie’s Craigslist find of sharing a room with 6 girls in a 1 bathroom, 2 bedroom apartment in Washington Heights for $1,200 a month suddenly wasn’t looking so adventurous.

When asked how many times she’d seen “You’ve Got Mail,” Elsie waved her hand.

“Oh, hundreds. I memorized all the lines from that and ‘When Harry Met Sally.’ That way I can insert them into casual conversation with all the interesting friends I’m sure to make in New York.”

Having arrived at her new apartment, Elsie paid and said, “I’ll have what she’s having!” as the cab driver flicked her off and sped away with one of her suitcases still in the trunk.

“Damn,” Elsie said. “I had all my tote bags in that suitcase. I can’t just go to the NYPL or a French bistro without a literary tote bag.”

Walking up the five flights of stairs to her new apartment, Elsie wheeled her suitcase into her 10x10 foot roped-off portion of a room. Looking into the mirror, she said, “My hair is still brown? I’m still short AF with hazel eyes and a resting bitch face? How can this be??”

Elsie began pacing and then started running down the stairs, muttering, “I am whimsical and charming, I am whimsical and charming, I am whimsical and goddamn charming” as she pushed past her future roommates, who were trying to find the right moment to ask for the security deposit.

“This is not how it’s supposed to be! How will I ever meet my Tom Hanks/Billy Crystal/Tom Hanks if I don’t have blonde hair and a lilting voice?! DON’T YOU THINK DAISIES ARE THE FRIENDLIEST FLOWER?!”

Elsie has since created a GoFundMe account called “Plz Help Me Get Reconstructive Surgery to Live the Life Nora Ephron Promised.” Her goal is $600,000, plus $500 for her part of the security deposit.

Original Artwork: Mary Dea Heldman

Follow: @marydeatonheldman

Writer: Lauren Rogers

Follow: @lalarogers

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